


another story of growing up

by ultomorrow



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Growing Up, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Acceptance, Self-Reflection, true story, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21662038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultomorrow/pseuds/ultomorrow
Summary: Renjun is going through major life changes, with graduation and many last times are coming up, Renjun feels alone until he meets Donghyuck, who could be the best or worst decision ever.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Kudos: 2





	another story of growing up

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This story wrote itself most literally. It is all true with the exception of the ending, this whole story happened to me in the matter of a few months which means it took me a few months to write. It was super unedited and i kinda did that on purpose. The texts are real and the events are completely real. Its been a difficult few months filled with a lot of emotions that i didn't even begin to capture in this.  
> I hope you all enjoy this!

Here is Renjun’s breakdown.  
It wasn’t the same as other ones before, it wasn’t just a quick crying fit, wipe the tears, then move. It was so much more intense than the had been.  
It began with a ringing in his ears that he couldn’t explain whenever he was reading or working too hard. Then it was arguments with Jeno that Renjun had chucked up to just jealousy. Then it was tired, i don’t want to wake up in the morning for school instead he just wanted to sleep, because maybe if he could just sleep time would slow down, and all the stresses of his life would slow with it. Finally, it ended with shaking, sobbing. Renjun felt his heartbeat faster and faster with each body shaking sobs. Was he overwhelmed with the overbearing fact that he soon would have to grow up, he was jealous of his friends, was he just crazy. Renjun sat there in a state of numbness, the empty feeling you have after a crying, wondering, lost in a state of not knowing anything. 

Renjun hated how time was just made up by humans, yet we have so little of it.  
Renjun hated how he had gotten to his senior year and all that was left was the “last times” and “goodbyes”. The thought of the fact that his youth was closing was such a scary thing to him, he was going to go out into the world in less than 7 months and no one ever told him how hard this was gonna be. As Much as it hurt Renjun, the last 3 years are gone, the only way to relieve them is the pictures, videos, and the memories of those times. Renjun hated that he took everything for granted.  
There was never time for Renjun to breathe. His life had become an exact copy of the day before, the only things that change are the clothes he wears, and the conversations he had.  
Wake up, high school, college, practice, homework, repeat  
His only moments of life are his run to McDonalds for sweet tea with Jeno and Jaemin. He was tired, so tired. He always seemed behind. Renjun never had the chance to live week by week, he always thought about what was ahead, he has never been able to afford to live by the week. Too much was at risk he thought. 

Sure, Renjun hated watching the last months of his youth fly by, he was dealing with a completely different feeling, a feeling that Renjun had always thought was selfish.

Renjun hated the feelings he had. He hated the jealous feelings he had been having.  
Renjun was very happy in his relationship. But the long-distance thing was more complicated than he could have imagined it would be.  
He had watched for years as all his friends had dates to homecoming and they had hands to hold, they had a person that liked them and saw them as their own person. Renjun felt added. He was there to look good, he wasn’t the main factor, call him a shadow if you will. He was the wingman for years and never had it himself. High School was coming to a close. He loved his bf, Mark, he wished Mark wasn’t far away, better yet he wished himself wasn’t far away. Renjun hiding in a straight lie, coming out wasn’t an option, only to Jeno, and Jeno would never tell anyone. It was Renjun’s best-kept secret.  
Still, Renjun felt a longing for something, he wanted Mark with him, but that would never happen. His best friend was in almost relationship, and her other best friends were in relationships, and they were there and they were real. Renjun hated the feeling. He wanted nothing more than Jeno to be happy, the happiest he could be, but, Renjun was often jealous of the way everyone loved him immediately.  
“I don’t even try, I’m just there” Jeno would say  
“Exactly,,” Renjun would think “how do you do it”

Renjun felt guilty for feeling this way. He felt selfish only because he thought that he deserved it too, he deserves love and happiness just like everyone else. 

It wasn’t the relationships that made Renjun feel all his twisted emotions. It was the fact that he was lonely, even though he wasn’t he was. He was terrified of the potential thought of third-wheeling but most of all he was gonna be viewed as the only single friend, that hypes up his other friends’ relationship and it angered Renjun. Because that could never be him, no cute award in live conversations, no walks to class, and cute dates to scream parks and carving pumpkins, there was no long night drives to and from homes or holding hands for Renjun and that is why he was upset, and he felt like the world around him was rubbing it in. Renjun questioned if he would even be able to get through this feeling.

He didn’t.

Renjun had been down this road before, he liked and talked, and got upset over the distance, pushed people away, went through the breakup process, listened to sad songs, got over, blocked them on everything, deleted them from his life memory, and then the process went over again.

“Jeno, I can’t do this, I don’t like Mark, I just like the attention, and the truth is that I can’t do long-distance it’s just too much”  
Jeno looked at Renjun with soft eyes, Jeno has done and felt the same way that Renjun was, it was always Renjun and Jeno with relationship problems together.  
“I would end it jun, you don’t like him, don’t put yourself through this”  
And so Renjun went and ended it with Mark.  
“I just want to say I love you and I’m happy with you, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I came to the conclusion that I can't put the label of boyfriend on us right now…..”  
Renjun wasn’t sad, he was numb, he felt free, his short 28 days of loving attention was over and he wasn’t sad. He promised they could still talk and be friends.  
Renjun never had it in him to ever texted him back. Then he soft blocked him on social. The process had restarted. 

Renjun accepted the fate of “lonely through high school” and tried getting over it, he no longer had the energy and he was annoying himself  
“Maybe it’s because you never put yourself out there,” Jeno said  
“Or maybe it’s just simply because no one likes me” Renjun would say back.  
The truth was Renjun was tired oh so tired. He was going to be content with being single.

Until Donghyuck.  
Jeno had finally ghosted him and left him running to Renjun and Chenle begging to understand why he had ghosted him. When Renjun asked Jenoo said just said: “I didn’t like him.”  
Renjun had thought he was cute, he wasn’t that tall but he also wants completely short. He walked with a hint of awkwardness and clumsiness, but he was no doubt intriguing to Renjun.  
It was a strange encounter the first time Renjun met Donghyuck, it was on that date with Jeno and Renjun was the odd one out, left alone. Renjun was really mean to Donghyuck and Renjun later beat himself up for it. Donghyuck never talked to Renjun and Renjun never had much to say to Donghyuck, until that Thursday.  
Donghyuck called jaemin once again to ask what had happened with Jeno, Renjun had known exactly what happened, but that was between him and Jeno, not for the whole world to know.  
“I mean I liked him, but I didn't see it going anywhere,” donghyuck said with a tiny hint of sadness. The conversation soon switched after Jaemin yelled at him to spill his secrets  
“You see, this guy thought it was Jeno, but it was Renjun”  
“Wait what, why are people looking at pictures of me?” renjun screamed through the phone  
“To see if they wanted to date you,” Donghyuck said laughing “ill text you a picture of this guy”  
“Haha okay,” renjun said laughing it all off, but the truth was, renjun had a weird feeling deep in the pit of his tummy, something that he couldn’t explain, but he felt it.

Later that night, Renjun got a text from Donghyuck attached was a picture of a guy that looked far too old to be high school, with a patchy beard.

“so … you like?”  
“Donghyuck, I don’t know him”  
“Yea but would you date him”  
Renjun wanted to say a hard No, but Renjun didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings  
“Uhh i don’t like beards”  
“Haha okay”  
Small talk followed the conversation, how old are you, are you a junior or a senior, do you drive. Just simple small talk but the feeling in Renjun’s belly grew.  
“That one night, why were you so upset?” Donghyuck asked  
“I was upset because I was alone, which is embarrassing to say out loud”  
“You were third wheeling so hard”  
“5th wheeling, i was 5th wheeling, and everyone was holding hands and i was just chilling, but I’m over it now”  
Renjun wasn’t over it, he was just tired of thinking about it.  
“I felt bad”  
“I went home and cried after that”  
“The experience just didn’t feel right to me either”  
“I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt like that”  
“That was the night you went into the women's bathroom at Wendy’s”  
“Yes i did! I needed to fix my hair”  
“That was funny”  
“At least you think I’m funny”  
Renjun felt that feeling deep in his belly stretch way over his body he was feeling infatuation, and that thought made his heart skip a beat. Until Jeno jumped into his mind. How was he going to tell him that he had been talking to the guy that he just ghosted all night?  
The conversation continued on for the night, until Renjun had became too tired to keep his eyes open.  
“Good night, sweet dream, sleep well” Renjun texted him: good night sleep well :)” donghyuck texted back  
Renjun went to sleep his heart beating and his smiling large. Did Renjun kind alike him? Or was he getting attention, something he hadn’t gotten before?

The next morning, Renjun woke up and was hopeful that today would offer the wonderful presence of Donghyuck.  
It did right as Renjun went to walk out the door, his phone lit up with a text  
“Good morning”

The rest of the day, Renjun felt like he was floating. Renjun hadn’t felt this ever this was a new feeling and Renjun was living for it. 

Later on when Donghyuck texted him, renjun giggled and blushed and texted him back almost immediately. They had texted much of the night until renjun felt his eyes grow heavy to the pound that keeping them was a struggle. 

They talk the same way through the weekend, Renjun felt his heartbeat whenever donghyuck called him cute and smiled with every text.  
“So do you want to hang out before class Monday?” donghyuck asked  
Renjun felt his face flush, he texted jeno and jaemin a screenshot of the text  
“DUDE SAY YESSSSS” jaemin replied  
“Well say yes” Jeno replied  
Renjun texted donghyuck  
“Yea!! :)”  
And like that renjun had an actual will to wake up and go to school. 

Monday came fast, and before renjun knew, he was waiting for donghyuck to walk in the building they promised to meet in. Donghyuck was delayed because the weather had gotten really bad, and donghyuk high school was 30 minutes away from the college. 

After a long wait, renjun watched donghyuck walk up the path. Renjun felt his face heat up and his hands start to get sweaty but before renjun had another chance to thing donghyuck was nearing the table. 

Donghyuck sat without a word, only a slightly nervous stature. Renjun finally acknowledged his existence and started packing his stuff to go class. They had small awkward conversation on the walk to their building for class, and donghyuck tried to open a locked door for renjun, making renjun giggle. They sat and talked, renjun felt tingly and on cloud 9. 

This became an everyday thing. They would simply enjoy each other’s company until they had to depart for class. Renjun felt confident and ready to see where this would go. Until.  
“Hey this Saturday at the game, my parents want to meet you, before we hang out”  
Renjun stared at the text before reply with a simple  
“Can’t wait” ignoring the nervous feeling in his belly

When Saturday rolled around, Renjun and JAemin went to watch donghyuck’s team lost the game before the state game. Renjun waited anxiously for donghyuck to come to take pictures, and introduce him to his parents. Renjun’s hands were started to get clammy even though the air was cold. Even after shaking hands with Donghyuk mom and dad Renjun felt a nervous twinge in his belly. 

Later that night, Renjun sat next to donghyuck and talked about everything and nothing. They watched tv as jaemin and his boyfriend messed around downstairs. Renjun leaned again donghyuck and donghyuck let him. In the car on the way home donghyuck held his hand and rubbed circles on renjun’s thumbs. They ate mcdonalds one handed because neither one wanted to let go. They hugged when they departed and late after a long lecture from jaemin, donghyuck asked to be his boyfriend. He did it again in person the next Monday, which left renjun giggly and blushed. 

A week and a half had passed and that feeling came back to renjun. But this time it was different. 

Renjun liked donghyuck, like a lot, but he hated pda, and he hated awkward conversations, he hated how donghyuck asked too many questions and used the laughing cry emoji without irony. Renjun liked him but wanted simple little things to stop he hated himself, but renjun worried. He worried about the future, he was graduating and leaving, he didn’t want bagage two hours away. Renjun was willing to fall in love, he wanted so badly to fall in love but he was too scared to so he focused on the negatives and the impending possibilities.

Jeno told him to get over it and let himself fall in love over and over again, Jaemin just agreed. Renjun deflected. He sat with donghyuck and didn’t make eye contact, scared that if he looked into his eyes he would cry. Renjun was scared of commitment and he was scared donghyuck would leave. Renjun deflected and went to bed early, arrived at the college late to avoid him.  
“Sorry I'm running late to college! I’ll try to see you after class”  
“Okay”  
Renjun felt guilty, Renjun had promised Donghyuck that he wouldn’t ghost him like all the other people that he talked to, Renjun’s best friend included. Renjun just wanted to love and feel whole, but he was scared that once again he had fallen too fast, and he was going to end up hurting Donghyuck. 

Renjun had good and Bad days, just like everyone in this world, on this day after Donghyuck walked into class, Renjun fell into donghyuck’s hug, he wanted to love and be loved and he wanted to have his heartbroken one day even if it was by Donghyuck one day, he wanted it so bad, because that was a part of growing up. 

The next few days were great. Renjun was bouncy and happy, he was red with infatuation. But just like that, it came crashing down.

Renjun had gotten to the point that he was bothered by everything Donghyuck did. He didn’t want to hug him before class,, when everyone was watching in the hall, he hated how donghyuck was too possessive and asked too many questions  
“Would you do anything for me?”  
“Where are you going, how about after that with who”  
“Are you not going to get me a gift?”  
These series of questions, Donghyuck’s constant need to know every single detail had bothered renjun to the point where is responses became short and bitter, but Donghyuck could never tell. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving where Renjun had felt like he had reached his limit.  
“What are you eating? With Who?”  
“Oh you're going to jeno’s what are you doing there? What are you eating there? How long will you be there? How are you getting there? Are you going black friday shopping”  
Renjun felt his head spin with each new question, he had hated that he felt like he couldn’t breathe. When Renjun stressed about his College applications, Donghyuck’s only response was  
“If a college doesnt accept you they are stupid , becaue you are amamzing”  
“Well colleges aren't just looking for what their boyfriends say, they want so much more. It harder than it seems and if don;t get in it not the colleges fault, it my own”  
Renjun shouldn’t have been mad about the fact that Donghyuck simply didn;t understand, but then again, how could he when Renjun was a year older, a senior getting ready to leave in 5 months, maybe Renjun had made a mistake, beginning to date or talk to Donghyuck.

Thinking back on it, Renjun had never planned on talking to him, they had talked a few days and then DOnghyuck had went around telling people they were talking. Renjun never questioned it scared that it was hurt DOnghyuck and Renjun didn’t want to hurt any other person who had given him their hearts. 

Renjun refused to break up with Donghyuck yet, he wanted him to change and hope that things would get better, but he always wanted to go to formal on Saturday. HE had planned and was getting so excited, until  
“....At least we’ll get to see each other next Saturday”  
“Yeah, if i’m not busy”  
“For the dance?’  
“Yeah i may have to go out of town”  
“Oh”  
Renjun felt his face filled with anger, he was furious at Donghyuck because donghyuck had asked Renjun to the dance and Renjun had gotten excited and had already started planning, he couldn’t begin to comprehend words to explain how he felt, he texted the screenshots to Jeno and Jaemin who burtsted with anger. Renjun texted Donghyuck  
“I'll text you when we sit down for breakfast”  
Renjun didn't wait for a response, he was too angry to even think about donghyuck, so he left Jeno and Jaemin take care of him, A few hours later Donghyuck texted Renjun  
“We are going to the dance!”  
Renjun wanted so bad to be upset with him still, but he was going to a formal with his best friends next Saturday and that’s all he cared about.  
“Were you mad at me”  
“I was disappointed”  
“Well i didn’t want you to get your hopes up”  
“Well it was too late, im sorry”  
“It okay, just wish you would have asked after you talked to your parents”  
“I did…”  
Renjun knew what he was doing was wrong and he wanted to fix his bad feelings about Donghyuck, so a few days later, He texted DOnghyuck  
“If you could change one thing about our relationship, what would it be?”  
“Uh i wish you were more open about things, you never tell me what is going on inside your head”  
“Oh, im sorry, im a closed off person I don’t want to get too far into it but im working on it I promise, it's just going to take time”  
“I understand...What can I work on?”  
That's when renjun let him in, about the positiveness, and the constant compliments, and he felt bad.  
“Oh ill work on that, I didn’t know it upset you...One mor thing”  
“Yes”  
“When we hold hands you don’t grip firm enough”  
Renjun burst into laughter, he sent it to the group chat who also bursts into laughter  
“I'm sorry what?” renjun asked  
“You don’t hold my hand hard enough, it's always lose”  
“Well thats because its cold and my hands hurt when they get hold and I can’t hold things. I can’t really help that because it hurts to grip hard”  
Renjun wasn't lying. But he was laughing so hard, that the response felt faked. Renjun hated that question deep down inside, and renjun ignored that red flag feeling in his gut. 

The dance was 5 days away, and as much as Renjun was excited, he was dreading the night.  
Donghyuck had went to be super early, and in the group chat, Jeno and Jaemin were talking about how they were both waiting for calls from their boys. Renjun broke.

What was Renjun’s intention in the first place, he didn’t know, he was trying so hard to keep everyone happy and not hurt Donghyuck, he was trying to figure out if he really liked him or was he obsessed with the attention that he was getting. He kept thinking about all the comments and interacts that have had together and Renjun questioned more than just that. Was he going to get into college? He was graduating soon and he didn’t know what was coming next, soon enough renjun began thinking about all the things and people he had met and all the things he had lost, all the things he told himself he would never do, he thought and thought and thought and with each memory and worry and flashback, he broke down harder and harder. He was stuck and he was lost and he needs a break. He needed a break from school, and he needed a break from relationships, and his friends, and thinking. Renjun cried himself into a deep sleep. 

The formal came and went. Christmas came and went. It was new years eve, and everyone was there, the clock went down to midnight, and that when it came faster than Renjun could think. Donghyuck leaned down and kissed Renjun as the clock struck Midnight. Renjun had his eyes wide open in shock  
“I love you” Donghyuck said to Renjun pulling him into a hug. Renjun froze. When DOnghyuck loosened his grip, renjun ran. He wasn’t sure where but he ran.

The moment played in his mind over and over again, he felt truly helpless. That kiss had no spark for him, he hadn;t kissed back, he never said I love you back, but renjun didn't want to lie to Donghyuck either. He was outside and the midnight air was cold, he had on nothing but a sweatshirt but the cold was the last thing on his mind. Renjun looked up and say Jeno.  
“What the hell happened”  
Jeno went to sit next to renjun who had broken down his arms.  
“Jeno I didn’t want that, I don’t love him, I can’t kiss someone I don’t love”  
Jeno said nothing but rubbed Renjun’s back  
“You already know what you need to do, you can’t keep this up any longer”  
Renjun knew. He asked Jeno to get Donghyuck, when he arrived renjun wiped his tears.  
“Hyuck, we can’t do this anymore”  
“Huh”  
“We can’t keep doing this anymore. It's officially the new year, im leaving in a few months, and I can’t fall in love with you if i'm just going to have to leave you. I can’t force myself to love you, and im sorry. I need to figure myself out before im on my own, and I need to do it by myself. “ Renjun didn’t feel tears he felt relief.  
“I understand, good luck in life, you earned it” Donghyuck got up and walked away to grab his keys and left.  
Renjun watched as the car turned down the road before running inside and breaking out into laughter and half cry but full of relief.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what Renjun does afterward, because I don't know what's going to happen. I ended this story in the simple nice courageous way that I want to, I don't know what is going to happen between me and the person who inspired Donghyuck, but i hope i end up happy.  
> If you aren't happy in a relationship, leave it! your feelings always come first! love yourself endlessly!!


End file.
